Something awkward happened this week and it was a true 'slap-in-the-face' reflection of myself.

Our agency sent out an updated list of Special Focus Children.

Special Focus Children are those children who are really adoptable yet the adoption agency has to give an extra push to get the children adopted.  Our little guy is a Special Focus child b/c of his blood needs.
In the big picture - we're thinking no biggie!
We can get him to the doctor's as much as he needs.
We have health insurance,
we have a daddy whose job is to run around during day getting things done while mommy is at work and who doesn't require much sleep,
we have room,
and want to grow our family,
most important, we have love, hearts filled with love,
love to love one another as Jesus has loved us,
hearts filled with love to love the unloved,
love the orphan,
love the widow.
Our guy's Special Focus is a no brainer for us -

The whole 'thing' about Special Focus Children is that you can be a little older to adopt one, they're SN, (Special Needs) {which ironically is just weird that the requirements are 'lessened' to adopt a Special Focus or SN child and yet they might need longer care, more intense care, higher amounts of therapeutic care... ANYHOW....}
where was I?
(obviously digressing...)

Another 'thing' about Special Focus Children is that a family can adopt 2 children on one Dossier - and dossier's are mighty excruciating to compile - Home Study, Social Worker comes and asks the most detailed questions that make you question your upbringing.....then you have to find a bunch of official papers that are proof of birth, marriage, job, finances, income, taxes, proper disposal of .....

so it's a little appealing to think that once a family has completed the above mentioned marathon of paperwork, notarized, certified, authenticated, it only has to be done ONE TIME to be eligible for 2 children!!! (adopted at the same time or within 12 months)  it's almost like a potato chip - once you're on the road to one child you want another!!! (without 1/2 the pain of child labor - not mentioning the wait, the LOI, PA, LOA, TA article 5....and all of the other alphabet soup that has to be digested during this time!)

Well the 'slap-in-the-face' reflection of myself happened when a BEAUTIFUL little almost 2 yr old Special Focus child was featured on our agency's website.  I email and inquired - I was one of at least 20 families interested in this sweet thing!

The awkward thing is that I'm not pounding down the doors at the agency's email for any other child - just this one.  She spoke, 'cuteness' to me... I'm SO VAIN!  Who am I to 'pick a child' based on their cute factor.

let me take a side trip -
I show pictures of my children to my students, and talk about their adjustment to America and tell them how they came to be a part of our family.  I let them ask questions, and the kids are corrected when they ask about their 'real' mothers.  One 'tough' boy who has a reputation for unfavorable behavior asked if it 'felt weird to pick my kids like I was picking out a puppy'..... (OUCH)  He was sensitive as he asked, he wanted to know, and had a look on his face that told me that he didn't know how to word the question, he even said that he didn't want 'this to sound bad', and yup, I told him, it was weird b/c I was shown 2 pictures of siblings and had to pick one.... which meant I had to not pick one....

Again, picking kids is... weird....
so continuing with my slap in the face - why am I jealous that someone else got this precious cute thing when I should first praise God for providing a family for this little one!??

Why don't I just tell our agency to please find our second child so we can bring them home with our little guy,

their brother.....?
What's holding me back?